What 4:44 Meant To Me (The Song and Emotions and Stuff…)

jay-z-444

“I apologize to all the women whom I toyed with your emotions because I was emotionless…” Jay-Z

Shit happens. That may sound dismissive but trust me when I say that those two words contain a multitude of emotions. My HBK (Heartbreak Kid) tattoo that finds it’s home on the inside of my left wrist is a statement of understanding and not one of pride or regret. I’m not without my flaws but I’ve grown immensely and I can credit my wheelings and dealings with women for a huge boost in my emotional maturity. I equate running from commitments to jogging in place; you may think that your ducking and dodging but you’ll be stuck in a perpetual loop unless you rid yourself of that phobia and go for it.

Shit happened to me. My story is like many other guys out there dumbfounded by love yet still pressed on in the name of futility. Often did I confuse being in love with the complex simplicity of infatuation and I paid the price for it every minute. It’s like saying that you like some one but you don’t really like them but you like them just enough to fulfill whatever purpose or selfish need that must be satisfied. You know, it’s like using people but not being completely upfront about it. Sounds pretty foul when you think about it but it too is human nature. We use each other.

I found myself using and being used but before anyone decides to write me off as a typical guy, ask yourself and be completely honest, have you ever been in a relationship for the “wrong” reasons? If so, you too have “ain’t shit tendencies” and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. There were dalliances that I took part in without any intention of being serious and afterward there weren’t any second thoughts given. It was done to me quite a few times and though it hurt I kept it moving and reciprocated that behavior toward someone else. A vicious and moronic cycle especially if that’s not how you really are. I prefer relationships over meaningless flings but my actions may lead you to think otherwise.

My approach to women and dating and relationships was raw and unpolished. My parents are happily married but as teenager I refused to ask my father for dating advice as I tried to keep my romantic activity on a peer to peer level and that often lead to emulating others who were just as lost as me but played it way too cool to ever admit it. I thought that by turning my heart into a vault for my emotions that it would make facing heartbreak and rejection much easier instead it made the wounds sting even more.

“Like the men before me, I cut off my nose to spite my face”Jay-Z

I can remember the arguments that an ex-girlfriend and I had. Though I can’t recite our heated discussion word for word, I can recollect that she became so angry that she threatened to punch me in the face. Sweet, Sweet memories. I deserved it though I don’t remember what I did exactly, I definitely had it coming. I was way too guarded about my feelings and when she questioned how I felt about her or why we weren’t being as intimate as we should’ve been, I became defensive and that was the wrong thing to do. I was scared but in my mind how could I tell her that? How could I as a grown man tell the woman that I loved and cared for ever so deeply that I was scared to tell her how I felt about her and where we were going? I had issues that I refused to come clean about: I had never been in a relationship for a long time period (at the time it was a year and a few months) and I wasn’t sure if it was right for me. Some men want to be invincible 24/7/365 but that’s not reality; That isn’t life.

While listening to Hov’s 4:44 for the four hundredth and forty-fourth time, the lyrics don’t sting as much as the first few listens because I’m giving up the ghost and giving into a peace of mind. Womanizing isn’t my thing, I mean I’m not foreign to it, but I’ve seen the effects of it and the less drama the better. I’m still growing and learning about myself and what makes for a healthy relationship. I want love and I want to work for it and at it until I find what I’m searching for. I’m glad that Hov had the guts to put it all out into the open air and I hope that others are able to be as open with themselves.

“I suck at love, I think I need a do-over”Jay-Z

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