“This goes out to you, and you, and you, and you.” – Biggie
Last night, I felt an urge to tell the world off. I needed to let off a few rounds from the sawed off shotgun that is my mind for the cause of ventilation. It’s like the Martin Lawrence bit that DJ Premier sampled for Biggie’s “Kick In The Door”, “I gots to talk, I gotta tell what I feel, I gotta talk about my life as I see it” and if I don’t do that, then all that I do and see would be for naught. And this is more mature than writing “F*ck You” 250 times.
I used to be under the impression that I had to be “liked” by my peers. We as human beings were groomed to think that our lives would be better once we earned the admiration of those around us. As children our parents wanted us to go outside and play with other kids hoping that we would make friends. Then, making friends seemed to be the focus and the more that we acquired, the cooler that we thought we were. School tends to foster popularity contests. We worried about who had the coolest clothes and who had the latest video games. We didn’t want things for our own sake, no, we needed those items for social acceptance.
My popularity died in middle school. Yeah I was known but I wasn’t a “cool kid”. Hypopituitarism was such a player hater but it’s one of those conditions that will psychologically thicken your skin. As far as high school, I was far from popular but I survived. I desperately wanted to be a part of a group of some kind which maybe a symptom of being an only child but whatever. I associated with people that were toxic but who gives a damn about something as important as that when you’re dying for acceptance. I went to my junior prom alone and nixed my senior prom without a care. I needed to escape that place, those people, and myself.
I developed a serious problem during that time. Maybe problem is the wrong word, but being a people pleaser felt like a terminal illness. Doing and saying things that I didn’t agree with for the satisfaction of others killed me day after day. The stress led to bottling up frustration but I refused to lash out and why? I didn’t want to offend anyone. Push me far enough and I’ll snap but for some strange reason I thought that if I did indeed get buck, I’d be looked at as a bad person. I certainly did a number on myself.
Asshole personalities earned my respect. What they do and how they act are all things that I thought I could never be. I loved watching Patrice O’Neal on Comedy Central’s Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn and other comedians of his ilk, characters like McNulty from the Wire, and anyone who flipped off the status quo. Today’s society wants you be one way but as Marlo Stansfield said ever so coldly to a corner store security guard in an episode of the Wire, “It’s the other way.”
I’ve changed. I don’t care as much about the small things or the thoughts of other people. I’m not a Social Justice warrior as I believe that many of them are pretentious and love the sound the of their own voices instead of actual solutions. I want equality for everyone but when certain agendas are pushed aggressively it can make the waters quite unsettling. Political correctness ruins everything (Rap Beefs and Comedians of all things) and I’m over it. You can only be honest if your honesty fits within the confines of standards set by overly judgmental individuals that hide behind computer screens.
Like I said, in the title of this piece, I don’t care if you like me. If I wasn’t a product of the union between your sperm and egg cells, then I definitely could give a Biggie and Puffy driving backwards in a tunnel shit about your opinions. Jay-Z said it best “What You Eat Don’t Make Me Shit!” and if it did then that would be a freaky biological occurrence that I want no part of. So many of us go through mundane lifetimes trying to appease anyone that may give us attention and that’s terrible. You have to be a special kind of “special” to be a practicer and lover of sycophancy. There have been people who called me “arrogant” of all things because they didn’t like how I said things or willfully chose to take my words out of context. Everybody is a critic yet no one seems to be objective. I like being the way I am and I love knowing that I have the ability to make people uncomfortable. The perks of being in my own lane.
“Ain’t No Tellin…” – Drake