“Scared to death, scared to look, they shook, ’cause ain’t no such thing as halfway crooks.”
– Mobb Deep
I really don’t know where to start. There’s not a clear point as to where it began in my mind but I found myself sitting on the edge of my mattress many a night attempting to find a resolution. As I close in on my XXX year, there are parts of myself that I’d like to improve on and if possible eradicate. Perfectionism has done me more harm than good in thought but I spent more time wanting things to be “just right” rather than making them that way. There has to be a balance between thought and actions but when the motivation is in question, you’ll find yourself going nowhere fast.
Fear existed in my dojo. The universal fear of failure ended many opportunities before I could give myself a chance to grow and each regret left me with a bad, metallic taste in my mouth. There’s nothing worse than shooting yourself in the foot for the unnecessary sake of doing so especially when all of the cards are in your favor. I had dreams of being a doctor, architect, a software engineer, photographer and (my personal favorite) a rappity rapper. But in each situation, there was self doubt and I wound up settling instead of traveling along the road less travelled. Why do we not believe in ourselves and our capabilities? For me, I can remember instances where I had a fear of being laughed at by my peers in middle school so I never auditioned for choir solos or never pushed myself to be a great emcee. Back then, I hadn’t found a joy in being me and I’m thankful that that has finally started to change.
I chose this classic scene from “Along The Waterfront” which is one of Marlon Brando’s greatest performances to illustrate what I DON’T want to become. In 50 Cent’s Wanksta, he says “Damn homie, in high school you was the man homie, what the f*ck you done to that” and I’d HATE HATE HATE for that to be the end to my story but I will say that I was far from the man in high school but I was a KING at Villanova. I think that’s my true motivation, a selfish one in fact where I don’t want to fail in the eyes of others rather than succeed because that’s what I’m destined to do. At times I’ve used humility to cover the fear of speaking my piece but that did nothing but make matters worse on my end. Never Again…
The resolution is do more and fear less or just be FEARLESS. Yes, FEARLESS. I view my XXX year as my ZERO year a chance to start over and really give it all I got and if I don’t, well then I have only myself to blame. Hands will get dirty, words will be said and grand promises will be kept and carried through without hesitation. FEAR IS WHY I FAILED before but COURAGE IS WHY I WILL SUCCEED. You never know the possibilities unless you go for the gold.
And remember… “SCARED MONEY DON’T MAKE MONEY“.